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Take it from Snee: So many angry jerks in the air

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Anyone who’s traveled by air in the United States has noticed that things are getting a bit, well, testy in what was once “the friendly skies.”

"Alright, but I'm not cleanin' up after him."
“Alright, but I’m not cleanin’ up after him.”

Fights have erupted over the sovereignty of our limited leg space and how recliners violate the sanctity of our paid-for borders. People have struck other people’s children for being children. And then there are you common wig-outs, which can happen anywhere, but in the air are met with swift Marshal-dispensed justice.

So, it was only a matter of time before even the perverts in coach starting furiously masturbating like they paid for a first class ticket.

And, even then, that's not without a lot of mood setting and ritual.
And, even then, that’s not without a lot of mood setting and ritual.

This raises two questions … 

Question #1:

(Please note that the language in the video is Not Safe for Work (NSFW).)

(Reminder: the language in the video was NSFW, and if you skipped the warning above, you have only yourself to blame.)

Unfortunately, the world may never know.

Question #2: What is considered “furious masturbation?”

Like, I get that the "furious" in The Fast and the Furious comes from car guys emphatically jerking off to the Dodge Charger scenes.
Like, I get that the “furious” in The Fast and the Furious comes from car guys emphatically jerking off to the Dodge Charger scenes.

I hate to sound like a pedant here when we’re talking about hilarious mid-air self-abuse, and I certainly don’t want to sound over-interested in the gentleman whose member is now a member of the no-fly list, but what about his gamesmanship gave the impression that he was angry?

Or is this a case where the number two or three dictionary definitions apply?

Was he “giving a stormy or turbulent appearance” mid-beating? If so, maybe the best thing for everyone would have been to let him finish … so long as he did so politely in his own issued air sickness bag.

Was his solo mile high club adventure (also known in the industry as the John Denver) “marked by noise, excitement, activity, or rapidity?” This is the most likely possibility and also where Merriam-Webster and I disagree.

If you’re chopping wood, carving an ice sculpture or pummeling a man in a courtyard and walloping like a baboon in mid-rut, sure, I see where furious applies. But, is fast, loud and excitedly really the “furious” of masturbation?

"Yeah, 'Mommy' may have cooked this, but who's stuffing it now? Who? Daddy. And he doesn't even need this fork to hold it in place."
“Yeah, ‘Mommy’ may have cooked this, but who’s stuffing it now? Who? Daddy. And he doesn’t even need this fork to hold it in place.”

Not to speak for everyone who’s ever soiled a Kleenex, but no matter how slow and deliberately you start, I don’t believe it will ever end with the same degree of calmness and even-handed focus. No, the man who can keep a slow, demonstrative stroke while also maintaining eye contact and finish what he was doing is the human equivalent of a cat knocking your favorite breakables off of a shelf.

And that’s why I firmly believe that, unless we answer question #1, we’ll never really know his intention or mood.

But there’s an even larger issue at play here: modern Western beliefs about human sexuality and the English language itself.

Could it be that we now only associate masturbation with fury? When was the last time you told a story about catching someone in their vinegar strokes and you didn’t describe them “furious masturbating?”

At this point, the “furiously” is just a given, a meaningless bit of hyperbole lost forever. What happens when we do encounter legitimately angry fappenings? Where do we go when “furious” is already several shades too tame?

Or "grassroots" to political movements that were "not adapted from or added to an existing facility or operation."
Or only apply “grassroots” to political movements that were “not adapted from or added to an existing facility or operation.”

That is why, like with antibiotics, it is critical that we reserve our use of adjectives, particularly those with the highest dramatic value. Otherwise, we may lose the ability to describe angry jerks the way we can no longer describe genuinely awesome things as “awesome,” stories about people that matter as “inspirational” and actually beneficial tips as “life-” or “game-changing.”

I implore you all: please, when you’re about to describe masturbation, please think of the children.

Thank you, and god bless.


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